Don't Sink!

In the past three weeks, I have felt a lot of emotions.

The week that my dad died, I hurt, then I almost felt numb. But I know that God knows what we are getting ready to face, and He allows us to face it with His strength and not our own.

As I sit here now and reflect over the past three weeks, I can identify some of my feelings. I have felt loss, grief, anger, and selfishness. I have wanted to crawl in a hole and hide from everything, and I have wanted to push away anyone and everyone that cares about me. And I have lost the strength to reach out to them when I might need them...I have just come home each day from work, and I have gone to sleep. I think it's because of a lot of things - being tired from everything that has happened over the past few weeks, and being a little depressed. Sleeping is the hole I crawl into so I don't have to think about things.

I wondered if there was anyone who understands how I feel - people say things to me and I know they mean well, but words seem to run together and some of the things my Christian friends and family say even almost make me feel guilty for missing my dad and grieving like I should.

There is someone who knows how I feel. God led me to the passage In John 11 - Jesus had arrived after the death of His friend, Lazarus. Jesus knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but He still wept over the situation. Jesus showed grief over the loss of His friend. I know that when my heart hurts, my Jesus hurts with me. I know when I grieve, my Jesus grieves with me. And I know when I cry, my Jesus cries with me. I believe Jesus wept at this occasion for many reasons - He knew Lazarus was in Heaven and He was going to bring him from that paradise we all long for back to earth, but I know there was a purpose in it. I believe Jesus wept over the people's unbelief.

I believe that Jesus has wept over my unbelief - see, I think there is normal grieving, but I think it can easily move over a thin line and cause us to sin. The Lord also led me to another passage today to show me where my faith needs to be now. A friend had emailed me about her own father's death and she said she was having trouble leaving the house and dealing with people. It reminded me of me wanting to come home and hide, to stay home and hide, to push away the very ones that will continue to point me to Him. And I thought of Matthew 14 - Jesus Walks on the Water. The disciples were in the boat - and Jesus was walking towards them on the water. They were all afraid, but Peter cried out to Jesus to tell him to come to Him on the water. Peter took a leap of faith and stepped out of the boat. When did he sink? When he took his eyes off of Jesus.

I look at this time I am in now as being in that boat - Jesus is walking toward me and I am so afraid to step out toward Him. I want to go, but I am scared. My boat now seems to be my own sorrow and grief - I feel strong when my eyes are on Jesus. But despair has a tendency to take over, and it clouds my vision, and I begin to sink, just like Peter did.

I believe that grief and sorrow are a part of life - but I also think that if we take our eyes off of Jesus when these things surround us, our despair can easily turn into sin. In my despair, I don't believe that He can carry my burdens and heal my broken heart - I show this in not trusting Him and not continuing the work He has called me to do. Satan knows our weaknesses, and he will catch us at our lowest point and hit us with the things he knows will hurt us the most. We can crawl into that boat, cover up with something, and float as life passes us by; or, we can step up, look and see Him reaching out His hand to hold us up, and make that step of faith, keeping our eyes on Him and not looking down into our despair.

What is the key to all of this? FAITH! And not faith in others or ourselves, but faith in the Creator of the Universe, the one and only true God, who loved us enough to send His Son to die for our sins...the God who continually loves us even when our faith is weak and we sink in despair.

He is holding out His hand...and I can see it now.